"Pandorum" - premise does not mean plot

Pandorum is a sci-fi horror film. It takes place in the year 2174, when the Earth is overpopulated and people seek to colonize the planet Tanis. However, Corporal Bower (Ben Foster) and Lieutenant Payton (Dennis Quaid) have fallen asleep on their ship, now 500 billion miles from Earth, and awake to find themselves alone and unable to communicate with anyone. They find that some of the crew members on board have been mutated with a disease known as Pandorum.

That's a pretty interesting premise if you ask me, but the film didn't have much plot. I'm not much for horror or sci-fi, but I found the film somewhat enjoyable, and I got a good laugh from some of it. The ending was somewhat surprised, but it still leaves some unanswered questions.

The film got an R rating, which is what you'd expect from a horror film - this time, sci-fi violence. Quite a few swear words are uttered in this film, and some minor nudity (no privates). However, the film is drug-free. However, some may be offended by what sounds like stereotypical Chinese/Asian speech (not played for laughs).

I can't really assign a verdict - what I said should tell you whether you want to see it in theaters, rent it, or not see it at all.

"The Informant!" - based on a true, exaggerated story

The Informant! is a film adaptation of the 2000 non-fiction book of the same name by Kurt Eichenwald, based on the lysine price-fixing conspiracy of the 1990s. This film mainly follows Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon), junior executive of agriculture company Archer Daniels Midland. He is enlisted by FBI Agent Brian Shepard (Scott Bakula) to go through extensive and hilarious methods to find the culprit.

Anything further might ruin some of the best parts of the film. I haven't read the book, but I almost didn't want to get up because I couldn't stop laughing. The film is basically one joke after another. There's something else enjoyable about this film, but I won't spoil it.

The film recieved an R rating, though I'm not sure it really deserved one. There are a few f-words, a reference to a woman's breasts, some drinking, little if any violence... I guess it may be the racial slurs, but most of them just flew over my head.

Well, if you like the book, or know about the events, see it. If you simply want to see a film with one joke after another, this is also for you. In fact, the only kind of person I don't recommend this film to would be people who don't like comedies, dramatizations of true events, or are easily offended and have a better knowledge of racial slurs than me.

"Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" review - no puns this time, the film itself has enough

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is based on the 1978 children's book of the same name. In this film, we meet young Flint Lockwood (Max Neuwirth) who lives in the town of Swallow Falls. Ever since he was little, he always wanted to invent something useful that everyone could use, but every one of his inventions ended up having one fatal flaw to them. His father Tim (James Caan) didn't believe in him, but his mother Fran (Lauren Graham, "Gilmore Girls") always believed he could invent something. Many years later, when Flint grew up (now voiced by Bill Hader of Saturday Night Live, Superbad, Pineapple Express, Year One, etc.), his mother passed away, and the town is deprived of food - all anyone can afford to eat is sardines, and Tim wants Flint to work at his sardine shop. But the food shortage gives Flint an idea - create a machine that can convert water into food. However, when he tries to power it up, it overloads, causing the machine to blast off into the atmosphere, where it absorbs water vapor, and cheeseburgers start to rain from the sky! Mayor Shelbourne (Bruce Campbell) has an idea - he wants Flint to use his machine to make different kinds of food to turn Swallow Falls into the town of Chewandswallow, and turn it into a tourist attraction. Flint enjoys the attention, but his father is upset because it's not what he wanted. But one day, the mayor sneaks into Flint's lab and makes the food so large and uncontrollable it creates food storms (such as a spaghetti tornado)! In a matter of time, the entire world will be covered in food! In a subplot, Samantha "Sam" Sparks (Anna Farris, "The House Bunny", "Observe and Report", etc.), the new weather intern, is struggling with her job until the food storms hit. She tells Flint that everyone made fun of her as a kid because she used to be a "nerd" when she went to school, but Flint seems to be connecting with her as he was treated similiarly. Mr. T also stars as Earl Devereaux (the cop), and Bobb'e J. Thompson (Role Models, Land of the Lost, Imagine That, etc.) stars as his son Cal.

I actually had never heard of this book until the film came out, and when I saw it at Books-A-Million, I read it before the film came out. Of course, turning a 30-page kids book (that's mostly pictures) into a 90-minute movie is going to require some liberties, but I think the transition went well, and some of the references were kept (the town of Chewandswallow, food boats, the pancake destroying the school, etc.). All in all, a cute, fun film, and a pleasure to watch in 3-D... just beware of the food puns (e.g. when it rains burgers, Sam says, "It's not a meteor shower, but I've never seen a 'meatier' shower than this!").

The film scored a PG rating... it's basic kids movie violence. People are struck by falling giant food, and much of the large food destroys parts of the town. Some of the food comes to life, such as flying pizza and live roast chickens... one of which nearly eats Baby Brent (Andy Samberg), who then takes over the chicken's body and starts fighting the other chickens with it. Earl also tackles Flint and tries to beat him up in one scene. There is a scene where people drink what seems to be red wine in a roofless diner, before steaks fall into the diner (one steak destroys a wine glass, causing wine to splatter all over the woman's shirt). As for sexual content... well, Brent is the mascot for sardines, and his signature appearance is being in nothing but a diaper, which he does many times in the film. Flint also makes a naked Venus de Milo and Michaelangelo's David out of Jell-O. All else to look out for is Cal going into a "food coma" from eating too much junk food, then vomiting, and in the middle of an ice cream snowstorm, Steve the monkey (Neil Patrick Harris) throws what looks like "chocolate snowballs" but aren't. There's something else, but it's a spoiler - contact me privately to know what it is.

If you grew up with this book as a kid, or you like 3-D movies or films about food... definitely see it. If you want to see the 3-D version, make sure you've had a bite to eat first, or you'll be really hungry by the time the film ends. One more thing - if you want to catch the 3-D version, you better catch it soon - it will only be in 3-D for one more week (as of this writing) at most venues before the Toy Story/Toy Story 2 re-release takes over most of the 3-D venues! An advertisement states that the Toy Story re-release will only last two weeks, but if it's anything like the Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour from 2008, then that may not be the case!

"Jennifer's Body"... more like "Megan Fox's Body"

Jennifer's Body is a comedy horror film somewhat based on the novel of the same name by Audrey Nixon (both are actually based on a screenplay by Diablo Cody, but the novel came a few months prior to the film). In this film, Jennifer Check (Megan Fox) and Anita "Needy" Lesnicki (Amanda Seyfriend) had been the best of friends since kindergarten. But one day, during their high school years, Jennifer and Needy go to see their favorite band, Low Shoulder. Believing that Jennifer is a virgin, Low Shoulder "kidnaps" her and attempts to use her as a virgin sacrifice to gain fame from Satan, whom they worship. However, since she is not really a virgin, the ritual backfires and Jennifer becomes possessed by a demon who feeds on human flesh to survive.

I don't need to explain any more. Let's be honest here - anyone who's ever seen any film with Megan Fox knows this: the purpose of this film is to show off Megan Fox wearing sexy clothes. The only other films with her I've seen are the Transformers films, and Revenge of the Fallen made that very apparent. However, this film makes her role in Transformers 2 seem less about her body. A better name for this film would be "Megan's Body". I'm not that much for horror myself, or Megan Fox (I liked the Transformers films though), but there is one reason I came to this film - to make fun of it. And boy, did I get what I came for. Even more than Sorority Row from last week, this film is definitely one for potential RiffTrax. I heard this film is by the writer of Juno, which is actually supposed to be a good film (I think it won something), but I haven't seen it yet, and this film sounds completely dissimilar.

The film's R rating was well-deserved, and all you need to know is that it's a horror film that stars Megan Fox. She makes constant references to her breasts (and Needy's) such as "These are smart bombs!" (while grabbing Needy's breasts) and "Ow, my tit!" (when stabbed in the heart). Jennifer basically becomes a "succubus", and after the ritual, she first appears all bloody with bloody teeth, and she eats boys. No actual personal parts are shown, but Jennifer is seen naked in at least two scenes, and there is a scene where Needy and her boyfriend Chip (Johnny Simmons) are having sex (again, nothing is shown). There is also implied underage drinking, as Jennifer tries to order a "9/11" drink (we are told it's red, white, and blue, but turns brown if you leave it out too long). There isn't as much profanity as I was expecting, except toward the end ("I'll eat your boyfriend and shit him out!") but there is a lot of name-calling from "Are you rapists?" to "Is that supposed to be an insult, Hannah Montana?!"

Well, there you have it. The verdict? Unless you want to see Megan Fox doing sexy poses, you are a fan of the novel, or you want a film to make fun of, do not see this film.

Coming soon:
Box office update: Weekend of September 18
The Informant! review (when I see it)
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs review (when I see it)

"Love Happens" when you least expect it... though now it's becoming predictable

In the film Love Happens, Burke Ryan, Ph. D. (Aaron Eckhart) is a self-help therapist and author of a book and leader of a seminar, "A-Okay!", which is dedicated to getting over grief. He himself has to get over a similar grief of his own - three years ago, his wife died in a car accident. On a business trip to Seattle, he runs into the local flower girl at a hotel, Eloise Chandler (Jennifer Aniston). They instantly start to fall for each other, but she refuses to admit it, and it starts to seem like he is trying to get her to buy his book. However, she does hint at it by leaving dictionary definitions for him to look up. In two subplots, two of the attendees of his seminar, Walter (John Carroll Lynch) refuses to get over his son's suicidal death and Burke's father-in-law (Martin Sheen, I think) wants to release his parrot into the wild, but can't bring himself to.

Let's face it - this film doesn't break much ground. If you've seen any romantic comedy or drama, you already know much of how this film will end. There are a few unpredictable points I won't spoil, but other than that it's more or less the same. I'm not saying I didn't like it, but there's nothing really new in it. I'll say it's more worth your time than The Ugly Truth or My Life in Ruins, but that's not saying much. I'll give it this, though - the message of grief relief may be enticing to moviegoers, and the subplots give the film some extra charm.

The film recieved a PG-13 rating, mostly due to violence. Burke has flashbacks of his wife's car accident (we see her driving in the rain and swerving to avoid a dog - we hear a crash, but we don't see the impact) and in an attempt to invoke "bravery", he asks his attendees to walk across a hot coal bed - a man and a woman do, but Walter refuses while Burke stands there - he calls out to Walter to join him, and he attempts to hide his wincing (it's apparent that he is, though), and we later see his feet are scarred. There are a few sexual references, but it's just dialouge played for laughs. There is little if any profanity (no strong words), and Burke uses drinking to cope with his grief. There is one more instance of violence, but it spoils one of the subplots - contact me privately and I'll tell you.

The verdict? Just make it a DVD rental unless you think you can relate to the theme of getting over a past grief or you have an undying devotion to Jennifer Aniston or Aaron Eckhart.

Coming soon:
Jennifer's Body review
Box office update: Weekend of September 18
The Informant! review (when I see it)
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs review (when I see it)

My introduction and sample review: I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Hello, I am an amateur film reviewer. You can call me The Nameless Reviewer, The Nameless Review Guy, or The Phantom Reviewer.

I will be reviewing movies and films that I watch. Here is my layout. For an example, I will give a review for the latest film I saw, I Can Do Bad All By Myself.

I start with a brief spoiler-free description of what the film is about. Generally, this is no more than a paragraph long. I do sometimes go into detail, mainly if there are any subplots, but I try not to spoil anything. Example:

I Can Do Bad All By Myself (aka Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself) is a film adaptation of Tyler Perry's play Dear God, Are All Men Dogs?: I Can Do Bad All By Myself. In this film, 16-year-old Jennifer (Hope Olaide Wilson), and her younger brothers diabetic Manny (Kwesi Boakye) and mute Byron (Frederick Siglar) break into the home of Madea (Tyler Perry) and her brother Joe (Tyler Perry) and try to steal their VCR. Madea catches them and sends them to their only alive and non-MIA relative, their aunt April (Taraji P. Henson). April works at a nightclub, but she is a selfish drug addict who wants nothing to do with the kids, as she mainly lives off of her married boyfriend Randy (Brian J. White). On top of it all, April is also forced to take in an Colombian immigrant named Sandino (Adam Rodriguez).

The next part will be my honest opinion of the film. I generally tend not to assign numbers, but if asked, I will. This includes how I felt and thought of the film, as well as anything that may have affected my opinion. Generally, I'm easy to please and I tend not to be biased nor do I base films off of anything else that the film may be based on such as previous films in the franchise or a television series. However, sometimes my opinion may be affected by lack of viewing of a previous film, and if I believe that to be the case, I will state it. I try my best not to spoil, no matter how obvious the ending may be or how paper-thin the plot of the film is, but will spoil privately upon request. Example:

I am not familiar with any of Tyler Perry's plays, and the only film of his I've seen is Madea Goes to Jail earlier this year. I would like to see more of his work someday. Nonetheless, I was blown away by I Can Do Bad All By Myself. Madea Goes to Jail was a more comedic play, but this was more dramatic, though it still had a comedic side. I actually cried when I heard about the kids' relatives, as well as the church songs and... I'll explain later, and I don't want to spoil. However, when Jennifer was talking to Madea, despite shedding some tears, I could not resist laughing when Madea told Jennifer her idea of the Bible. I honestly think that I Can Do Bad is by far the best film of 2009, beating My Sister's Keeper in my book.

Sometimes, I will write about past experiences with the actor or actress. This is generally going to be well-known and recent films, as well as coming attractions. When it comes to animated films, I will only write about it on occasion. However, due to lack of familiarity with the cast of Tyler Perry/Madea plays/films, I'll skip it for this review.

Next, I talk about the film's MPAA rating, and explain why I believe it got that, and how far I feel the limit was pushed (if applicable). I list any (generally the strongest) instance of violence or blood, sex or nudity, drugs or alcoholic use, and profanity or swearing, as well as toilet humor if applicable. For example:
I Can Do Bad All By Myself scored a PG-13 rating. There are many instances of violence in this film, both verbal and actual, ranging from comedic (e.g., Madea says if the kids call the police she is going to choke, stab, beat, and disembowel them, as well as sillier threats during the closing credits) to serious (e.g., April dropping a radio in a bathtub with Randy inside - he gets shocked, but is otherwise okay). Sandino also beats Randy with a bat and his fists, and we see a bit of blood on his face. Drug use is also prevalent in this film, such as April being a drug addict (as Sandino says, she is "smoking herself to death" and she often goes to a bar) and Manny needing a daily insulin shot to survive (Jennifer steals one from a drugstore). Sexual content ranges from April wearing low-cut top that reveal her cleavage to Randy threatening to rape Jennifer, then telling April that Jennifer tried to have sex with him for money. Profanity is minor, and mainly consists of name-calling (usually for comedic effect).

Last of all, the verdict - who I recommend this film to. Should you see it on the silver screen? Should you rent it? And under what conditions? Example:

I highly recommend seeing this film if you enjoy Tyler Perry's dramatic films. If you're a fan of his comedic side, this film is not for you. I will say, it is not an ideal film for people going to the theater looking for an escape. If you do see it, stay tuned during the closing credits for a blooper and out-take reel.

I also like to end on a mini-poster for the film:

I hope you enjoyed that review, and I look forward to all criticism and comments. I will see you later when I review this week's four films: Love Happens, Jennifer's Body, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and The Informant!

Testing 1 2 3

Is this thing on?