"Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant"... more like "Characterization: The Sequel's Assistant"

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is a film adaptation of the first three books of "The Saga of Darren Shan" by Darren Shan, also known as the "Vampire Blood" trilogy, consisting of Cirque du Freak, The Vampire's Assistant, and Tunnels of Blood (all published in 2000). 16-year-old Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia, A Plumm Summer) is a very well-behaved boy who gets good grades and generally stays out of trouble, until he starts hanging out with Steve "Leopard" Leonard (Josh Hutcherson, Bridge to Teribithia, Journey to the Center of the Earth, The Polar Express). The two boys sneak off to the vampire show, Cirque du Freak. After seeing a bunch of freaks, they are introduced to the leader of the show, Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly, Step Brothers, Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby, 9, Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!). Steve wants to become a vampire, but Crepsley refuses, and Darren steals the spider Madam Octa. Octa bites Steve, poisoning him. Crepsley will not provide an antidote unless Darren becomes his assistant. However, this requires Darren to become a vampire, meaning he can no longer walk into sunlight, and like all other vampires, must feed off human blood to survive. Darren reluctantly accepts, but during a fight with vampaneze (vampire enemies), and his refusal to drink blood, what will become of him? And what is going on between the vampires and the vampaneze? In a subplot, an unknown species Desmond Tiny (Michael Cerveris, Fringe) and his vampaneze henchman Murlaugh (Ray Stevenson, Punisher: War Zone, King Arthur) want Darren for themselves.

Other members of the Cirque du Freak show include Ken Watanabe (Letters from Iwo Jima, The Last Samurai, Memoirs of a Geisha, Batman Begins) as Hibernius Tall, the manager who can read people's minds, Patrick Fugit (Almost Famous) as Evra Von the Snake Boy, Frankie Faison (Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns, Hannibal Lecter films, etc.) as Rhamus Twobellies, whom, as the name implies, has two bellies and can eat most anything, Jane Krakowski (National Lampoon's Vacation, Ally McBeal, 30 Rock, The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Kit Kittredge: An American Girl, etc.) as Corma Limbs, who can regenerate broken limbs, Orlando Jones (MADtv, Office Space, and the former 7-Up spokesman) as Alexander Ribs, whose spine is extremely thin, Salma Hayek (Dogma, Wild Wild West, Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, The Sinbad Show) as a woman who can grow a beard (and Crepsley's love interest), and Jessica Carlson as Rebecca, Darren's love interest (her freak ability may be a spoiler).

This is actually a very interesting franchise. I've never read the books, but I would like too. Before seeing the film, I had heard that it seemed like a 90-minute pilot episode just waiting for a sequel, though that's not exactly true. In its own way, it does leave room for a sequel, but it's like the characterization jumps around. You first see some characterization of Darren and Steve, then the plot thickens as they go to the vampire show, then the vampires and vampaneze are characterized as Steve and Darren develop more, then some more plot. I'll say if they make a sequel, I will definitely watch it, but judging by the film's box office gross (approximately $11.8 million in two weeks, with a $40 million budget) it's not likely that the next saga (the Vampire Rites saga, where Darren learns about the vampire clan and seeks acceptance) will be adapted, and even if it does, it may just be released direct-to-DVD, unless the film is a foreign success.

The film got a well-deserved PG-13 rating. As you'd expect from a film about vampires, the biggest thing would be violence, since vampires feed off other humans' blood to survive. Corma also breaks off her fingers and she and Alexander Ribs eat it from each side until they kiss (possibly an allusion to the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp). But don't forget - Corma can regenerate broken limbs, so she's okay. Darren's teacher scratches the chalkboard with his nails, then later vampire Darren does, destroying the chalkboard. Before Madame Octa bites Steve, he tries to squash her. There is a lot of vampire fighting, but it's too cool to spoil. Rebecca offers Darren her blood, and he reluctantly accepts (we don't see all of him drinking her blood). As for sexual content, Madame Truska shows a lot of cleavage, as does someone in the audience (who has a butterfly tattoo on her cleavage). As usual in a PG-13 film, there is a lot of social drinking, but the reason Steve is so misbehaved is because his mom is always drunk and he hasn't seen his dad in ages, so he hates his life.

I would recommend this film to any fan of John C. Reilly, or of the books, or of vampire stories in general. I can already say this is no Twilight (though I've never actually seen or read Twilight, and I'm not sure if I want to). However, if you'd rather all the characterization at the beginning, or something that doesn't seem like build-up for a sequel, or you're just plain sick of vampire stories, then just skip it. Don't worry so much about the freaks if it sounds gross, they don't get that much screentime.